Forgiveness

"In forgiveness the victim forgoes the right to vengeance."

I am reading a book called Amish Grace - How Forgiveness Transcended Tragedy. It is about the murder of 5 Amish girls in the one room schoolhouse in Pennsylvania in October of 2006.  I first heard about the murders while checking my e-mail in an internet cafe in Peschici, Italy.  I logged onto Yahoo and it was the lead story.  "Deadly Shooting at Amish School."  I was immediately disoriented.  There have been times in my life when the ground seems to shift under me and I no longer know where to put my feet.  This was one of those times.

I grew up just outside Lancaster, Pennsylvania.  It was not uncommon during my childhood to ride on roads that carried as many horse-drawn buggies as cars.  We had our kitchen cabinets built by an Amish man, sold one of our horses to an Amish girl, and bought pies from Amish women.  I have been to the Amish communities of "Paradise," "Intercourse," and "Blue Ball."  On summer Sundays our family would attend Meeting for Worship at the Quaker meetinghouse just down the road from the school where these girls were killed.  I remember sitting in the silence, smelling the musty benches that had supported my ancestors for 200 years of worship - the cicadas were humming in the trees outside the open door and from time to time I would hear the clomp, clomp, clomp of a horse and buggy passing by the meetinghouse.  Those memories of a world that seems unimaginable in my day-to-day life now, are precious to me.

On October 2, 2006 a father of three left suicide notes for his wife and kids, drove to the one room schoolhouse and entered with guns and the materials he needed to barricade the doors.  He had the teacher and the male students leave before he bound up the girls hands and feet and barricaded the schoolhouse doors.  Without any phone there was no way to call for help and the teacher ran across the fields to the nearest farm with a phone and help was summoned.  By the time the police arrived the man had shot 10 girls, killing 5 and then himself.  But that is not the story that I am carrying with me these past few days.  The reaction of the Amish community is what has stirred me so much.

The same day of the killings, while the five surviving girls were fighting for their lives in hospitals, members of the Amish community were already visiting the wife and kids and parents of the man who had caused this tragedy.  The Amish recognized that his family would be experiencing pain and loss and grief and they went to provide comfort and to express their forgiveness of the man.  When thousands of dollars of donations arrived from around the world, the Amish decided to give half of the donations to the gunman's family to help with the financial burden of losing the income that he had provided.  Nearly 50 Amish men and women attended the burial of the gunman in support of his family and to show their forgiveness. 

Many have tried to uncover what motivated this response.  Was it for show?  Was it because the eyes of the world were on their community?  Was it sincere?  The Amish didn't really understand the questions.  All they have ever known is a world where the first reaction when one is wronged is to forgive.  They believe that only by forgiving will they ever be forgiven.  They pray The Lord's Prayer numerous times each day.  It is the only prayer that they say out loud because they believe it pretty much covers anything that needs to be said. 

Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors

Each day is filled with numerous moments when the choice of whether or not to forgive is presented to us.  Fortunately most offenses are minor, but even those can catch me up.  I imagine what the world would be like if the impulse was to step towards the one who offends and to embrace them - if not literally, at least figuratively.  We are a defensive society and too often my impulse is to interpret gestures as personal offenses.  Someone cuts me off in traffic and I am enraged at the offense.  If someone has spoken negatively about me I want to defend myself against them.  But a reaction of defense, or anger, never diffuses a situation or eases the tension and anxiety. 

I am inspired and encouraged by this book.  I actually can imagine a world where the first reaction is one of calm, and peace, and forgiveness.  I don't truly believe we will ever live in a world like that, but the Amish show that it can be done.  Imagine the outcome if we all just stopped defending ourselves and fighting back.  What might have happened if, after September 11, 2001 our country had reached out to the families of the men who flew the planes?  What if we had gone to their countries and tried to understand why the attacks happened?  Somehow I can't imagine that we would be any further behind than we currently are and maybe we would even be in a better place.

Opposites Attract

What happens when a woman who believes in forgiveness and reconciliation marries a man who believes in revenge?  Unfortunately this question does not have a punch line - this is my life. 

We are truly opposite on so many levels.  I don't know if our differences are what attracted us, I actually think it was more our similarities - a love of travel, running, kids, similar hurts, etc.  As we got to know each other and it quickly became evident that there were some areas in which we could not be more different - spirituality, view of violence, sense of justice, etc. I believed that as long as we accepted and honored each other, we would be fine.  I still believe that. 

The challenge comes when the passions of one partner ooze onto the other partner and stifle their spirit.  This is a hard season for each of us.  I frequently sink towards depression after Thanksgiving and don't dig out until sometime in April.  He has many painful associations with holidays and deals with those by immersing himself in projects for weeks.  Consequently, when I most need his attention and tenderness, he is driven by hurt and anger and not available.   Currently he is tackling a new workout program which seems designed to make you tough or kill you.  It is a 90 day program and we are on day 3.  He is sore and exhausted.  When I get home from work he dozes off while I try to tell him about my day.

Another area of conflicting views is honesty.  I have not always lived truthfully but this time around I am determined to be open and honest - to make choices even when I am alone, that will honor my husband and that will not require deceit, no matter what.  Because of his background, he is often in a posture of survival and for that reason at times it makes sense to him to tell what the other person wants to hear rather than what is actually true.  This is unsettling for the one on the receiving end of the "white lie."  When I know that something is red but he insists it is black I can either argue until the relationship is destroyed, or I can agree that it is black and move on.  That has been my approach because I know we will not resolve it any other way and I love him enough to accept that this is how it will be.  But it leaves me not sure where to put my feet.  At times he accuses me of not trusting him.  In the most fundamental ways, I trust him.  I trust him to not intentionally hurt me.  I don't trust that he will always tell me the truth, or that he makes decisions when alone that consider whether or not I might be hurt - if I don't know, it shouldn't hurt me.

And so I find myself in the process of reorientation.  I know that he is good.  I know that he loves me.  I know that he wants ease between us (which is why it makes sense to him to lie if it keeps the peace).  I have to work this out inside myself because to bring it up causes conflict - he hates to be confronted or accused.  I think I need to find some activities and/or relationships that are mine alone.  I need an outlet that invites me to be fully myself.  Do I need to look at my marriage more as a commitment between two friends and less as a wide-open, no-walls-needed romance?  There are parts of him I will never be invited to know, so my choice is to accept that.

Acceptance of what is presents a loss to me.  I want to feel safe and settled and accepted and whole and trusted and respected and open and desired.  Right now we are not there.  Saturday is our 1st wedding anniversary.

Something is nudging me

I attended Christian boarding school and then Christian college. In 7 years I participated in approximately 1200 chapel/church services. I led Bible studies and played my guitar for gatherings full of adolescent angst and ecstasy. I was the chaplain for my dorm, and I received a scholarship in recognition of my "Christian Leadership." After college I married and started a family. We attended church on Sunday morning, and often on Sunday evening as well. I took the kids to the Wednesday morning Bible study for young mothers and on Monday evening I led a women's Bible study. I was on committees and we participated in the young adult Sunday School program.

And then I got divorced.

It was during the divorce that I started to separate God, Jesus, Spirit from the scheduled events of a religious community. My friends turned their backs on me and even our pastor didn't want to get involved. I decided to hunker down and I imagined a huge wave crashing over me and I waited to see what was left when it receded. What I found was a very thin layer of hope, but I no longer knew what to call it.

I chose not to raise the kids in a church community after the divorce. We talked about Jesus and God. We prayed at meals and before bed each night, but we didn't discuss sin, or guilt, or rigid rules. Instead we talked about love and acceptance and kindness and forgiveness and how it felt inside when we knew we were making a poor choice. As the kids got older one was drawn closer to a spiritual life - seeking out information on her own she started to read the Bible and even attended some services and youth groups with friends. She has gone on to find an identity with the Society of Friends (Quakers) - a practice that her ancestors have followed for 300 years. Her brother found his passion in science, and God and Spirit no longer made any sense to him. He considers himself a pacifist and he has a strong moral compass, but he doesn't understand the concept of faith - to believe in something there needs to be hard evidence of its existence. They both watched their friends who were "raised in the church" - kids who competed on Bible quiz teams and never missed church camp in the summer, as they have "strayed" and made some very poor choices and in most cases have become angry young adults who over-indulge in all of the forbidden activities (alcohol, sex, dishonesty). Meanwhile, my two have managed to make it through the torrent of adolescence, balancing carefully, jumping from rock to rock without falling in. I feel blessed.

Fast forward...we find the protagonist of this story nearing her fiftieth year. After a second marriage and divorce she is now married for the third (and final!) time. The intervening years have seen her return to the Quaker practice of her early life (pre-boarding school) and then drift away from that again. She has participated in Dream Quests and Wild Women Weekends in the wilderness -she has consulted animal medicine and Methodism. And now she is married to an atheist.

When I met my third husband it was right in the middle of the G W Bush years. It seemed that every encounter with another human quickly turned to issues political and our relationship was no different. I decided at that time that political and social compatibility were much more important than spiritual compatibility. Besides, I didn't know what I believed any more and I knew that whatever it was, it was personal whereas the political issues were in our face day-after-day. We decided to accept each others belief, or lack thereof. I had a few requirements, like he could not use the "F-word" and "Jesus" in the same sentence, and especially not in succession. We dated for 3 years, lived together for 2 years and then married. Throughout this time I have kept my spiritual life shoved out at the far reaches of my consciousness. I attended Quaker Meeting once and proceeded to sit there sobbing as I mourned the loss of a spiritual practice. But I have chosen to spend Sunday mornings at home with my husband rather than in silence surrounded by folks my husband will likely never meet and certainly will never understand. And this seemed to be working for me. Until now.

Recently I have felt a constant nagging at my core. I have discovered the Camino de Santiago, an ancient spiritual pilgrimage across Spain. I long to make that journey and have developed a habit of reading blogs written by pilgrims and others whose lives are touched and changed by the Camino. I am finding a new joy from reading the writings of other seekers and when there are quotations from the Bible, I am comforted. One blogger has posted You Tube videos that include organ music in cathedrals and when I hear the resounding hymns, I weep.

But how do I share all of this with my atheist husband? He seems angered by anything spiritual and truly believes that only crazy, or very stupid people "can believe this stuff." Next fall my husband and I will be in Spain and will visit places along the Camino - locations identified as "powerful" because of the spiritual energy that can be experienced there. What happens when a seeker and an atheist visit a "powerful place?" What kind of energy is experienced? Is it possible to be spiritual and maintain an open, loving, supportive relationship with an atheist spouse? What happens to a relationship when one partner connects with Spirit and finds a community of like-souled people in the process? Is it possible to spend a month or more on a pilgrimage across Spain without your spouse, and maintain a faithful, close marriage?

These are the questions I will explore in the coming days, weeks, months - the entire second half of my life perhaps. My marriage is my priority, but I cannot not deny Spirit when it is nudging me harder and harder each day. Where did this come from? Where will I find a practice that feeds my soul without starving my marriage?

For now I will wonder and listen.