Opposites Attract

What happens when a woman who believes in forgiveness and reconciliation marries a man who believes in revenge?  Unfortunately this question does not have a punch line - this is my life. 

We are truly opposite on so many levels.  I don't know if our differences are what attracted us, I actually think it was more our similarities - a love of travel, running, kids, similar hurts, etc.  As we got to know each other and it quickly became evident that there were some areas in which we could not be more different - spirituality, view of violence, sense of justice, etc. I believed that as long as we accepted and honored each other, we would be fine.  I still believe that. 

The challenge comes when the passions of one partner ooze onto the other partner and stifle their spirit.  This is a hard season for each of us.  I frequently sink towards depression after Thanksgiving and don't dig out until sometime in April.  He has many painful associations with holidays and deals with those by immersing himself in projects for weeks.  Consequently, when I most need his attention and tenderness, he is driven by hurt and anger and not available.   Currently he is tackling a new workout program which seems designed to make you tough or kill you.  It is a 90 day program and we are on day 3.  He is sore and exhausted.  When I get home from work he dozes off while I try to tell him about my day.

Another area of conflicting views is honesty.  I have not always lived truthfully but this time around I am determined to be open and honest - to make choices even when I am alone, that will honor my husband and that will not require deceit, no matter what.  Because of his background, he is often in a posture of survival and for that reason at times it makes sense to him to tell what the other person wants to hear rather than what is actually true.  This is unsettling for the one on the receiving end of the "white lie."  When I know that something is red but he insists it is black I can either argue until the relationship is destroyed, or I can agree that it is black and move on.  That has been my approach because I know we will not resolve it any other way and I love him enough to accept that this is how it will be.  But it leaves me not sure where to put my feet.  At times he accuses me of not trusting him.  In the most fundamental ways, I trust him.  I trust him to not intentionally hurt me.  I don't trust that he will always tell me the truth, or that he makes decisions when alone that consider whether or not I might be hurt - if I don't know, it shouldn't hurt me.

And so I find myself in the process of reorientation.  I know that he is good.  I know that he loves me.  I know that he wants ease between us (which is why it makes sense to him to lie if it keeps the peace).  I have to work this out inside myself because to bring it up causes conflict - he hates to be confronted or accused.  I think I need to find some activities and/or relationships that are mine alone.  I need an outlet that invites me to be fully myself.  Do I need to look at my marriage more as a commitment between two friends and less as a wide-open, no-walls-needed romance?  There are parts of him I will never be invited to know, so my choice is to accept that.

Acceptance of what is presents a loss to me.  I want to feel safe and settled and accepted and whole and trusted and respected and open and desired.  Right now we are not there.  Saturday is our 1st wedding anniversary.